Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
