Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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