I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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