I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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