So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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