Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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