Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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