rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
