literally had 100 drinks last night.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
