can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
