Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
