I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
