i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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