Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
