Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
