Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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