Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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