I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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