ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
