could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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