Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
