my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
