Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
