hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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