fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
