if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
