3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
