You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
