I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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