I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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