doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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