Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
