Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
