i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
