I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
