He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
