My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
