Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
