Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize