You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize