she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
