Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
