Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
