Where did you get a picture of my penis
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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