my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
