i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
