Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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