this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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