Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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