DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
