I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Randomize
