census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
