Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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