im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Come share oat with me in your robe
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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