Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
