I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize